49: Doctor Self help

Doctors are prescribing self-help books

I'm a Samaritan and most of the calls we get are from patients of doctors who cannot spend enough time with them and have traditionally been prescribed anti-depressants, as the doctor cannot spare 15 minutes to talk the persons problems through. Prescribing books instead of drugs has to be a good idea and maybe it legitimises a business that always has trouble being taken seriously by the media. The biggest selling genre of books is self-help but they are derided by those who are confidently happy with their lives – and journalists.

48: Muffin Top

It’s best new term I’ve heard for years. It describes the stomach that falls over the top of your trouser belt. It looks like a muffin top and a muffin top created it. Perfect.

47: Don't Drink & Dial

Don’t succumb to mobile madness says The Times. Mobile madness being that time when you’ve drunk too much, it’s late at night and the only thing you have for company is the phone list on your mobile. Now’s not the time to start ringing round and sprouting off, apologising, expressing undying love, ordering curry or contacting the boss or even your parents!

46: Aki Riihilahti

Writes an excellent column in The Game / The Times on Saturdays. A footballer with a brain – if indeed its one that’s slightly off kilter. 6th December 2004 column is a brilliant inspiration for all kids everywhere and not just ones that want to be footballers.

45: Perfect World

It’s a nightmare being a perfectionist as you cannot ever finish anything and be happy because the World constantly moves on and dates the thing you thought was perfect.

Here are a few things I think are the exception to that rule and remain perfect products through time.
ABC – the lexicon of love
Sex Pistols – Never Mind The Bollocks
Chet baker - Let's get Lost
bruce Chatwin - On the Black Hill

44: Imperfect people

People who are well known for doing something (not just TV celebs) but that I think are talentless.
1. Jimmy Carr

43: Jeremy Deller - Gin Or Vodka?

I came across this interesting piece of Jeremy Deller's work in his own ‘Life Is to Blame For Everything’ book. Apparently he was asked to provide some postcards for the RAC annual artist postcard charity sale. On finding the charity exhibition was sponsored by Absolut Vodka he returned his cards with statements such as ‘Absolut Domestic Violence’ ‘Absolute Vitamin B deficiency’. The cards weren’t displayed.

Move forward a few years and Deller win the 2004 Turner prize and accepts the cheque for £25,000. The sponsor of the Turner Prize – Gordon’s Gin

42; Imagine

if Roy Carroll had told the truth.

Would it have changed the nature of football? Why are we blaming the referees and not the players? Inside they cannot feel complete happiness at a win gained by ill gotten cheating means. I wonder if the post match satisfaction levels felt by the players on the winning team are actually any higher than those on the losing team. But I suppose 3 points are more important than personal satisfaction…it’s like cheating at golf – when you do it – do you feel good?

41: Busker Or Britney?

Apparently buskers are being paid by record companies to play covers of their latest releases – you might not listen to Radio 1 anymore but you can still hear the latest releases on the escalator on the way to the northern line. Do you think they will release an album of buskers cover versions? It’s back to the days of the Top Of the Pops cover albums.

40: Bookshop Or Library?

How did bookshops and libraries end up so different?

They used to be the same - you had to be quiet, they were full of thick boring books on high shelves you couldn’t reach. But then one changed and have started to become hubs of community – coffee shops, internet access, newspapers for sale, go to chat, read, learn and laugh. The other one…

Although I do see that at last Tower Hamlets have noticed bookshops are big business and have moved their library into town along with all the extras bookshops offer and called them ‘Inspire’ shops.

39: Clubbing & Buying Records

Football grounds are now where I do my clubbing and Oxfam has my record collection!

Which record shop do I spend most time in? HMV, Virgin, the independent outlet in Soho that manages to knock every CD out for no more than a tenner? No, Oxfam. Oxfam has my record collection, or at least the one I sold when I was 27.

I still like to think of myself as relatively up to date as far as music is concerned. I worked in and around it for nearly 20 years. But now I’m in my 40’s, and although I can still spend a decent amount of cash on new releases (although I’m far from the ‘£50 bloke’ that has been identified as a consumer market), I can’t help but have a nose inside an Oxfam or Cancer Research to fondly remember the vinyl I once (unbelievably) owned… Thompson Twins, Sade, Culture Club, Simple Minds, Howard Jones, ELO, NOW 1, Ultravox, OMD, Kid Creole……

If I want more up to date loud music in a clubbing environment then I just nip along to my local football league club where tannoy announcers now play a set playlist of chest thumping, high BPM classics – who is the PA announcer at the Millennium stadium? – Surely Radio 1 beckons for them.

38: Newspapers For Kids

Why does only one weekend newspaper have a free kids comic with it? And why do no newspapers have free youth magazines, for the kids to read while the adults plough through the various supplements. Surely it would be easy to sell youth and kid adverts for the large numbers the weekend broadsheets sell.

37: Movie Money

Why does the movie industry publicise its chart based on gross financial income and not simply the number of public admissions (purchases). It seems a gross way (ha ha) of displaying their success. I don’t think any other industry displays success this way.

36: Cyclist...Or Footballer

I’m going to stop wearing my yellow Lance Armstrong cancer fund wristband. They now seem to be worn simply to signify you are either a cyclist sitting in a café (without a bike or lycra to signify what you are) or a Premiership footballer.

35: Back To The Phone

E-mail is a new media that doesn’t fullfill its original role anymore. E-mailing never actually achieves anything, it just keeps lines of communication open. It’s like ringing someone to get something done and then getting off phone to realise you forgot to mention it. But on email you did mention it , it just doesn’t actually ever prompt a relevant response, just some reply that keeps the line of communication open. In the main now a social time wasting device

34: This Is True

“When you suspect an item is likely to prove contentious, but it cannot be avoided, broach it with all concerned at once”.

34: Contact Us

It seems when you are trying to get hold of someone through an e-mail form on a website you never get a reply. Some sites wont provide email links but only on-line forms, for you to fill-in and then for them to ignore. Latest example of this for me Holmes Place, I was looking to change gyms but they don’t seem to want to know.

33: In The Break...

Why are there not adverts in-between chapters in books?

32: Painting....Or Decorating

Painting is a skill not an art. Obviously painters can be artists – not just most of the ones currently on display at the Saatchi gallery in London.

31: Jeremy Deller Says....

Jeremy Deller’s art is OK but maybe this quote sums up his success more than the material he creates ‘It’s not about making things. It’s about making things happen”.

30: Want Stuff For Free?

The head of the free Metro newspapers, which are doing extremely well, puts it down to us consumers ‘having a lack of time and wanting stuff for free’. Good for him for spotting the reality of the consumer market and then filling it.

29: The Final Whistle

Football matches never finish exactly when they are meant to – at the end of the additional stoppage time. This is because referees like to play one more last potentially exciting bit and then blow the whistle as soon as that is over. The whistle is never blown during a boring bit of play.

28: Who Served You?

When you have any query in a shop – taking something back, overcharged etc, you are generally asked who the assistant was, who served you? Why? You don’t know – you don’t care. Shop assistants are like Samaritans – faceless people who are there to serve people who want to talk about themselves and not you.

27: Disappearing Toilet Paper

Things I didn’t understand when I was a child at home with my parents and now do (I do understand or I just do!?) now I have my own young family.
Running round supermarkets comparing prices even though you can afford either.
Being told off by my stressed Dad every night when he got home from work.
Toilet paper disappearing like there’s no tomorrow.

26: Creative Nerds

Creative people are essentially nerds. They were not the most popular at school but were in the main the types who spent all their time in the bedrooms listening to whatever was the left-field music of the time, for me it was (maybe unfortunately) Gary Numan. This is why art that is essentially nerdy is very successful because we love it! Plus journalists in those fields are mainly artists / musicians that haven’t managed enough success to make a living out of it but like us identify with the art / characters / musicians of the piece.

Latest pieces to benefit from this: Napoleon Dynamite and The Life Aquatic.

22-25: Four Thoughts From New York

25: Silent Saturdays

Such is the din from parents on the sidelines watching their kids battering each other on the soccer pitch that parts of New York have introduced Silent Saturdays.

The parents have to keep their thoughts (and encouragements!) to themselves. Most parents are not happy and apparently it makes for dull matches – but at least the ref gets off the pitch without a spew of swear words in his face and the kids can keep their heads held high.


24: What’s In Your Rubbish?

Ruling on whether rubbish put out on the street is anyone’s property the US supreme court deemed the following: ‘A single bag of trash testifies eloquently to the eating, reading and recreational habits of the person who produced it’.

so be warned.


23: Exchange your ornaments

In New York I saw a store that simply produces invitations – great idea. One in the window caught my eye and I think we’ll be nicking the idea this Christmas. An ‘Xmas ornament exchange party’. We’ve had the same things on the tree for the last ten years – so has everyone else. So why not use this idea as a good way to get to know your neighbours. I’ll let you know how it goes.


22: 311

New York has a sinle phone number: 311, that you can ring to find out absolutely anything to do with the city; which theatre a play is on at, which day your rubbish men are coming round, where to buy a parking permit, how to buy a ticket for a concert, where there are traffic jams and roadworks etc.

The city uses the information from the callers for market research in order to provide the city with the most effective and efficient services. Excellent idea for Ken to steal.

21: Table for two?

I hate going to restaurants with my wife (much to her disdain). I do love eating in 'gastro' pubs though. What's the difference?

The bloody seating. In restaurants you are encouraged to sit artificially opposite each other - a very formal arrangement for the most informal occasions. In the pub though you can sit next to each other, lounge, sit at the bar, read the paper, whatever you want - great food in an informal atmosphere.

someone should start a chain that has the best of both worlds - good restaurant food but in a more informal setting (or is that just what the best gastropubs already offer?).

20: Arsenal. Did you know?

Arsenal are currently by far and away the best team in English football. But did you know they do not have any white English first team players and only one in their entire squad?

It took a while but at last black English sportsmen and women are getting the opportunities that skill deserves but which they were deprived of by racism all the way up to the 70's and 80's (when I was growing up). How many more brilliant players could football have seen and the English national team benefited from if racism hadn't (and didn't) exist?

Do you think the same thing is happening these days to English players of Asian descent?

Anyone remember Clyde Best? a hero of mine at West Ham.

19: Old People Do What They Want....

...and we let them!

It was after church on Sunday, we all went to the coffee shop for cake and espresso. So there was five of us round the table.....An old woman who was sitting down at the next table wanted to clear it of the dirty cup that was cluttering it - so she could enjoy her cup of tea on a nice clear table - so where did she choose to put the dirty washing-up!?

right down on our table - while we were all sitting there chatting - she leans over and puts the dirty cup on our table...

and we let her get away with it.

can't wait till I'm old enough to do that. If you can get away with that, you'll be able to get away with murder.

18. One of the worst marketing ideas I've ever seen.

I think they are trying to include humour - but there's no irony and it doesn't work. For a company that's trying to appeal to the middle class this looks like the work of the old door to door salesmen fleecing the working classes.

'Convert your friends into cash'

says mail order catalogue people Boden.

and how much in cash are your friends worth? Exactly £2.50 But they are worthless if they are already on the Boden database, as Boden only pay you for selling to them the personal details of your friends they haven't yet captured on their computer database.

as Boden say "Make sure you get the most out of your friendships."

17. One Of The Best Ideas I've Ever Seen

and it's French!

Wait for it. In Paris there is a nursery for babies and toddlers but they share it - it's also for old people!!. Fantastic, they need to be looked after in exactly the same way - spoon fed food with no solids in it, helped on and off potties - at completely random times - with no notice, they share the same IQ and thus have the same interest in completely unintelligible things..and building blocks.

what a great use of resources.

Bring it on.

16. The most ridiculous 'organic' product

I have today seen such a thing. What could it be that is so ridiculous? An organic MacDonald's burger?, organic Cheerios?, organic Mars Bars? Nope.

Organic cola bottle sweets.

What's the point? If people are gonna buy rubbish to eat then let them eat rubbish? How much better for you do you think 'organic' cola bottles are compared to 'traditional' cola bottles?

15. The worst meeting room in the World.

Meetings are called in order to achieve something - often a business or creative solution. There is one type of meeting room where it is impossible to achieve this. They are depressing and not inspiring in the faintest.

If you are invited to a meeting at this location tell them exactly what you think and have it moved to the nearest coffee house. They will respect you for your honesty.

The place to avoid: The foyers / cafes of faceless corporate expensive hotels.

They're bolloxs.

14. Psychedelic magazine

Why doesn't someone start a trippy magazine for people born in the '60's and call it ' Clunk Click'?

ps - The bike and seat is back - Molly is very happy and enjoyed talking to the police. The very young culprit claimed he found it. The police said they are posh and they believe them - I think there's a Scrooge and Oliver type operation going on in this road.

13. Unexpected sighting of our bike

Strange Tales 2

While I was recently cycling 1000 miles from Lands End to John O'Groats for charity Helen and Rose's bike was stolen from our front garden - a woman's bike with a child seat on the back.

Great.

But 2 weeks later we spy it! Literally 9 doors down the road padlocked in one of our neighbour's front gardens. They were out but its going to be fun when we have a face to face on their doorstep later.

We will have to solve the mystery of what they have done with Rose's seat? And its still got the puncture it had when it was nicked.

Great.

12. Unexpected sightings of yourself

Strange Tales 1

Strange things happen when you're in your forties (pt 1).

I had just finished playing footie on Saturday and scoring two goals! (in a 2v6 defeat! - but as you get older the priorities change - it was no longer the result that was important - just the fact I'd scored two goals!).

I went to 'calm down' in cafe with a coffee and a copy of Arena they had. On flicking through it there was a feature on Viz and a picture of the editorial team from about ten years ago. But in the photo - lurking at the back, was me!

It was taken in the 4 days I spent with them touring Universities promoting the mag in around '94ish. 4 days out of the fifteen year history of the comic and they choose a photo from then - a weird coincidence all round.

Unexpected sighting of self

Unexpected sighting of bike.

11. Carlos

Carlos is the magazine to feel and read if you get the chance. Designed without the need to impress the consumer on the newsstands it immediately stands out as different and has consequently already won awards.

Want to buy it? Some good central London newsagents have copies at £3. Want to get it for free? Then book a flight on Virgin Upper class, for which it is created and given free to customers.

10. What's A Real Brand

Each supermarket obviously doesn't own it's own factory for the manufacturing of all of its own label products such as; beer, wine, baked beans, toilet roll, soup, tinned fruit etc, so who makes it?

I'm surprised no one has started (a no doubt anonymous) website that lists the own label products that are actually the same as branded products but with the cheaper label on...?

Surely this would be the obvious way for anti-consumers to break down the power of brands.